Excellent piece, I appreciate that you share some emotional truths while keeping your writing concise. There is so much nuance behind what the larger cisnormative and heteronormative lenses are aware of. 🤗
I appreciate your ability to put a deeply complex and nuanced experience into concise, relatable words. It sounds like we come from a somewhat similar upbringing and even timetables for discovering and embracing our gender identities. I came out as nonbinary at 41 (3 years ago), and that was an easier realization to come to than adding trans to my understanding of myself over a year later. Being a nonbinary trans person has been complicated. The nonbinary part, as I said, has "made sense," but being a trans person, I still feel I should identify on the binary. Like I'm an imposter and I have to justify being here, even though I clearly know I'm not cis. I'm so grateful you found your way to the truth you knew so young, now able to live in the fullness of your knowing. Thank you for breaking this down.
Yes, similar timetables for sure! I also identified as nonbinary but didn’t think of that as trans for a while. I often say I’m a nonbinary trans man. Thinking of myself as nonbinary allowed me the psychic space to then fully explore my gender. But of course some folks are nonbinary and it’s not a step on a journey somewhere else.
And of course there are nonbinary people who don’t think of themselves as trans, and those who do. Not cisgender, not transgender, but we don’t yet have a word for it. Have you read Florence Ashley’s concept of “gender modality”? Trans and cis are gender modalities and it leaves room for more unnamed modalities.
Yeah, I guess it feels like nonbinary, when paired with trans, is often read as a placeholder - a step on a journey elsewhere. And it certainly can be, as you shared with your journey, which is beautiful. But I really feel both in my being, as their own separate but interwoven journeys. It would be wonderful if there were more words than cis or trans for those who didn’t feel they belonged in either identity. I haven’t read anything about gender modalities, so I will look this up - thanks for the recommendation.
For sure. Unfortunately a lot of trans people (and many more cis people) don’t grasp nonbinary as real. But I know lots of nonbinary people and they really are very much not binary. (Similar biases exist against bisexual people.)
Thank you for writing this. It’s helpful as I think back on my journey of supporting my trans son through these stages, starting when he was 12-13, when he psychologically began to explore his gender identity. It was a great privilege for me to walk with him as he progressed through the physical stages he wanted to pursue, from testosterone to top surgery. Thank you for helping educate the world about the complexity and diversity of this experience.
Thank you for supporting your son! It should be a given, but it so often is not. After I finally came out to my family, my mom texted, “I’m so sorry you suffered in silence for so long,” and I burst into sobs. I wish things could have been different. But for your son, they were. 🥰
Sadly, we lost him to suicide last year after a bipolar diagnosis. The 23 years we had with him were incredible. He taught us all so much. We will miss him forever.
Excellent piece, I appreciate that you share some emotional truths while keeping your writing concise. There is so much nuance behind what the larger cisnormative and heteronormative lenses are aware of. 🤗
I appreciate your ability to put a deeply complex and nuanced experience into concise, relatable words. It sounds like we come from a somewhat similar upbringing and even timetables for discovering and embracing our gender identities. I came out as nonbinary at 41 (3 years ago), and that was an easier realization to come to than adding trans to my understanding of myself over a year later. Being a nonbinary trans person has been complicated. The nonbinary part, as I said, has "made sense," but being a trans person, I still feel I should identify on the binary. Like I'm an imposter and I have to justify being here, even though I clearly know I'm not cis. I'm so grateful you found your way to the truth you knew so young, now able to live in the fullness of your knowing. Thank you for breaking this down.
Yes, similar timetables for sure! I also identified as nonbinary but didn’t think of that as trans for a while. I often say I’m a nonbinary trans man. Thinking of myself as nonbinary allowed me the psychic space to then fully explore my gender. But of course some folks are nonbinary and it’s not a step on a journey somewhere else.
And of course there are nonbinary people who don’t think of themselves as trans, and those who do. Not cisgender, not transgender, but we don’t yet have a word for it. Have you read Florence Ashley’s concept of “gender modality”? Trans and cis are gender modalities and it leaves room for more unnamed modalities.
Yeah, I guess it feels like nonbinary, when paired with trans, is often read as a placeholder - a step on a journey elsewhere. And it certainly can be, as you shared with your journey, which is beautiful. But I really feel both in my being, as their own separate but interwoven journeys. It would be wonderful if there were more words than cis or trans for those who didn’t feel they belonged in either identity. I haven’t read anything about gender modalities, so I will look this up - thanks for the recommendation.
For sure. Unfortunately a lot of trans people (and many more cis people) don’t grasp nonbinary as real. But I know lots of nonbinary people and they really are very much not binary. (Similar biases exist against bisexual people.)
Thank you for writing this. It’s helpful as I think back on my journey of supporting my trans son through these stages, starting when he was 12-13, when he psychologically began to explore his gender identity. It was a great privilege for me to walk with him as he progressed through the physical stages he wanted to pursue, from testosterone to top surgery. Thank you for helping educate the world about the complexity and diversity of this experience.
Thank you for supporting your son! It should be a given, but it so often is not. After I finally came out to my family, my mom texted, “I’m so sorry you suffered in silence for so long,” and I burst into sobs. I wish things could have been different. But for your son, they were. 🥰
Sadly, we lost him to suicide last year after a bipolar diagnosis. The 23 years we had with him were incredible. He taught us all so much. We will miss him forever.
I am so very sorry. My son is 22…I had times I thought I’d lose him…which is to say, I can feel a sliver of what you must feel.
Wonderful piece. Thank you for writing this. Looking forward to checking out the rest of the series and glad I found you on notes.
I’m glad you found me, too, and that you liked the piece. Thanks.
Thank you so much for every piece you have written.
Thank you for reading, Rachel!