Will, I'm in awe of this letter. The generosity of it, the strength of it, both gentle and unyielding at the same time, the joy of it, the hope of it, the courage and clarity. This is the kind of post I would have benefited from so much as I agonized about how to come out to my mom. I have no doubt someone who is there, right now or down the road, will find this a companion when they need it.
I still struggle with feelings of guilt and "I could have offered more" about my own coming out letter. I didn't give my mom nearly as much as you did. But I also didn't have the good faith of having already felt loved as I was despite our differences. As it turned out, she didn't read or listen to anything I recommended, nor did she reach out to my therapist (which I had given permission for her to do). She just said no, a month after receiving it.
I'm really grateful your family came around. And I'm grateful for your visibility in sharing your experiences. I'm celebrating you, friend.
Oh, Phoenix, that really breaks my heart about your mom. I have one sister who hasn’t come around and that destroyed me. But a mom—that’s different. My husband’s mom (and therefore dad) cut him off completely. He wrote, they said “no, have a nice life.” Sending comfort.
I'm sorry about your sister, Will. That is also devastating. I never had to come out to mine because we became estranged months before. None of my family know I'm trans because we haven't spoken since I came out as queer. It's a grief. But it's also, admittedly, a relief. It's both, which is complicated. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing, Bobbi! I feel the same way you describe, so much so. I didn't choose to be trans, but I learned that fact about myself despite societal pressures against it. But I did choose to live authentically.
My heart soars reading this! You are one powerful, wise, loving man! The Unitarian Church where I am director of music is celebrating Trans Day of Visibility this Sunday with phenomenal poet and speaker J Mase III. I would like to share your post with our staff, and with your permission share it on the church’s website. We have a wonderfully loving and supportive community.
Thank you! I <3 the Unitarians. I love that you are celebrating TDOV. Do feel free share and link on the site. :) Visiting the UU church services for the first time was the final straw to get me to leave Mormonism. "You mean church can feel good?!?! Enlightening?!" I'll write the story up.
You and I have traded stories about our fundamentalist past and how difficult but necessary it was to break away from that to become the people we knew ourselves to be. When I answered the ad for the music Director ship of this Unitarian church I thought: Unitarians are cool. I can tolerate working at a Unitarian church.But in the eight years that I’ve been there I have so learned to appreciate just how fully the Unitarian approach fits my own sense of spirituality and ethical behavior. I am UU all the way! (And also Buddhist)
Thanks for writing this. I truly want to understand the trans perspective, which makes little sense to me (we can’t change sex after all). Now, I’m an old person who ‘came out’ as lesbian back in the seventies. Being a very tall, gender non-conforming woman, I got a lot of flack (called ‘dyke!’ and such) just living my life. I still get misgendered rather regularly (called ‘sir’ etc). So, for me identifying as lesbian was, to a degree, solidarity with the maligned group (everyone thinks I am, might as well be! Nothing ‘wrong’ with being that!) I read about your joy and celebration coming to realize you are male but who really does that (hurray, I’m a man! a woman! w/e!) A drug ad on TV came to mind: first show pics of people tormented by eczema, then show them dancing, laughing ‘cause they’re cured! Perhaps it’s something like that for you?
Anyway thanks again. It takes courage to come out.
Hi Citternist, thanks for sharing your experience and asking with curiosity. I truly get the idea of identifying with a maligned group; lesbian can be a political identity in that sense. Also “woman” overall, given misogyny. In that way, I identify with women but not as a woman.
I have some other essays up that might help you learn more. Like the “Oh shit, I’m a guy” essay. I was not joyful when I figured it out. I actually said “oh, shit.” It’s not that I wanted to be a man or didn’t want to be a woman, it’s just that I have always thought of myself as a boy/man. It’s like my brain/soul and my body mismatched. It took time for me to feel and see the joy.
As for not being able to change sex—sex is multidimensional: chromosomes, hormones, internal repro organs, external repro organs, and secondary sex characteristics. And while those usually align as M or F, each dimension is a spectrum, not a dichotomy. Even with chromosomes, we have XX and XY but we also have XXY, XO, XYY, XXX, etc. People come in all kinds of combinations of the dimensions.
So I can’t change my chromosomes, sure, but if I change 3 of the 5 dimensions? 4 of the 5? Insisting I am still female at that point is an ideological choice.
Lastly, must you understand? I don’t understand how the internet works or this phone I’m typing on. We don’t have to understand people to love them, treat them with dignity, respect their bodily autonomy, etc.
Let me know if you have more questions. I hope this helped.
Will, I'm in awe of this letter. The generosity of it, the strength of it, both gentle and unyielding at the same time, the joy of it, the hope of it, the courage and clarity. This is the kind of post I would have benefited from so much as I agonized about how to come out to my mom. I have no doubt someone who is there, right now or down the road, will find this a companion when they need it.
I still struggle with feelings of guilt and "I could have offered more" about my own coming out letter. I didn't give my mom nearly as much as you did. But I also didn't have the good faith of having already felt loved as I was despite our differences. As it turned out, she didn't read or listen to anything I recommended, nor did she reach out to my therapist (which I had given permission for her to do). She just said no, a month after receiving it.
I'm really grateful your family came around. And I'm grateful for your visibility in sharing your experiences. I'm celebrating you, friend.
Oh, Phoenix, that really breaks my heart about your mom. I have one sister who hasn’t come around and that destroyed me. But a mom—that’s different. My husband’s mom (and therefore dad) cut him off completely. He wrote, they said “no, have a nice life.” Sending comfort.
I'm sorry about your sister, Will. That is also devastating. I never had to come out to mine because we became estranged months before. None of my family know I'm trans because we haven't spoken since I came out as queer. It's a grief. But it's also, admittedly, a relief. It's both, which is complicated. Thank you.
Yes, both/and. It's complicated. I can't imagine cutting off my kid.
I’m so glad they came around to the amazing man you are
Ya gotta let that shit go
Thank you! (My body rebelled a bit at reading your compliment—clearly I have some more work to do in therapy! Some part of me carries a lot of shame.)
Beautiful. I would like to share my story about transgender choice which I think you'll find relatable https://open.substack.com/pub/bobbivt1/p/i-did-not-choose-to-be-transgender?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=324tcx
Thank you for sharing, Bobbi! I feel the same way you describe, so much so. I didn't choose to be trans, but I learned that fact about myself despite societal pressures against it. But I did choose to live authentically.
My heart soars reading this! You are one powerful, wise, loving man! The Unitarian Church where I am director of music is celebrating Trans Day of Visibility this Sunday with phenomenal poet and speaker J Mase III. I would like to share your post with our staff, and with your permission share it on the church’s website. We have a wonderfully loving and supportive community.
https://esuc.org/
Thank you! I <3 the Unitarians. I love that you are celebrating TDOV. Do feel free share and link on the site. :) Visiting the UU church services for the first time was the final straw to get me to leave Mormonism. "You mean church can feel good?!?! Enlightening?!" I'll write the story up.
You and I have traded stories about our fundamentalist past and how difficult but necessary it was to break away from that to become the people we knew ourselves to be. When I answered the ad for the music Director ship of this Unitarian church I thought: Unitarians are cool. I can tolerate working at a Unitarian church.But in the eight years that I’ve been there I have so learned to appreciate just how fully the Unitarian approach fits my own sense of spirituality and ethical behavior. I am UU all the way! (And also Buddhist)
Hi Will, I’ve not known your name before - glad to meet you Will 🙂 Penn x
Ha! I guess I assume people know. Glad to meet you, too, Penn.
Thanks for writing this. I truly want to understand the trans perspective, which makes little sense to me (we can’t change sex after all). Now, I’m an old person who ‘came out’ as lesbian back in the seventies. Being a very tall, gender non-conforming woman, I got a lot of flack (called ‘dyke!’ and such) just living my life. I still get misgendered rather regularly (called ‘sir’ etc). So, for me identifying as lesbian was, to a degree, solidarity with the maligned group (everyone thinks I am, might as well be! Nothing ‘wrong’ with being that!) I read about your joy and celebration coming to realize you are male but who really does that (hurray, I’m a man! a woman! w/e!) A drug ad on TV came to mind: first show pics of people tormented by eczema, then show them dancing, laughing ‘cause they’re cured! Perhaps it’s something like that for you?
Anyway thanks again. It takes courage to come out.
Hi Citternist, thanks for sharing your experience and asking with curiosity. I truly get the idea of identifying with a maligned group; lesbian can be a political identity in that sense. Also “woman” overall, given misogyny. In that way, I identify with women but not as a woman.
I have some other essays up that might help you learn more. Like the “Oh shit, I’m a guy” essay. I was not joyful when I figured it out. I actually said “oh, shit.” It’s not that I wanted to be a man or didn’t want to be a woman, it’s just that I have always thought of myself as a boy/man. It’s like my brain/soul and my body mismatched. It took time for me to feel and see the joy.
As for not being able to change sex—sex is multidimensional: chromosomes, hormones, internal repro organs, external repro organs, and secondary sex characteristics. And while those usually align as M or F, each dimension is a spectrum, not a dichotomy. Even with chromosomes, we have XX and XY but we also have XXY, XO, XYY, XXX, etc. People come in all kinds of combinations of the dimensions.
So I can’t change my chromosomes, sure, but if I change 3 of the 5 dimensions? 4 of the 5? Insisting I am still female at that point is an ideological choice.
Lastly, must you understand? I don’t understand how the internet works or this phone I’m typing on. We don’t have to understand people to love them, treat them with dignity, respect their bodily autonomy, etc.
Let me know if you have more questions. I hope this helped.