What I Wish People Understood About Being Trans

Trans Are That They Might Have Joy

Trans people get to have joy, happiness, success, wonderful relationships, gender euphoria, love, etc. It’s not all doom and gloom. I love being trans.

The benefits outweigh the risks. Anti-trans outlets love to dwell on the “side effects,” “risks,” and “regrets” of gender-affirming care (never mind that regrets are extremely rare) without considering the benefits and positive outcomes—like wanting to be alive. Weighed against reducing suicidality, depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc., the risks are minuscule, and the benefits are gargantuan.

Transition isn’t what you think it is. Transition is an umbrella term for many complex processes. It’s helpful to divide into psychological, social, legal, medical, and surgical categories. In a perfect world, each trans person can pick from the options, cafeteria style. But the cis-normative society has thrown up so many barriers that most trans people never achieve their desired outcomes.

• Psychological: recognizing your gender is “different”; understanding oneself to be trans (or nonbinary or genderfluid, etc.) and coming to accept one’s transness. If this is the only thing you do, you’re still trans

• Social: expressing transness to others via adopting a new name/pronouns, hairstyle, accessories, clothing, etc., and coming out (this is what kids do!)

• Legal: changing gender marker and/or name on a long list of legal documents, each of which has its hurdles, costs, and differences by state (and is currently impossible federally—passports, social security)

• Medical: puberty blockers for tweens and younger teens; hormones for older teens and adults

• Surgical: a variety of surgeries on different body parts—face, chest, genitals, and more. In trans culture, we often say “top surgery” and “bottom surgery,” and both of these encompass a wide variety of procedures. There is no such thing as “the surgery” (and it’s rude to ask about people’s genitals).

BTW, many trans people never get genital surgeries; that’s not what makes us trans. Many of us don’t want it, can’t afford it, and/or can’t access it because of legal or insurance restrictions, etc. When most non-trans people hear “transgender," their thoughts jump directly to genital surgery. But if a person psychologically transitions only, they are just as trans as someone who gets bottom surgery.

One size does not fit all. Depending on the person, transition is a journey, several journeys, a destination, coming home, and/or a never-ending process. “When did you transition?” does not have a simple answer. Was it when I first realized I was different as a kid, age 3? Or when I let go of the last vestiges of denial, age 38? When I came out to my closest people? To my natal family? At work? Online? When I changed my gender expression? Or my legal gender marker? When I got one surgery or all the surgeries I desired? When I started hormones? The first time or the second? Some of us cling to the trans identity while others toss it away. There is no right way. There is no wrong way.

Every trans person has multiple other identities, too. We are trans AND disabled, neurodivergent, Black, White, fat, queer, immigrant, Deaf, etc., etc. Thus, every individual trans person experiences transness differently. Society treats some better and some worse, and we all benefit from seeking justice for all the various minorities.

Gender identity is about so much more than healthcare. It’s not just about the medical stuff. Getting the social, mental, financial, and healthcare support we need is essential to our ability to live full, authentic lives where we can self-actualize and thrive.

Questioning and playing with gender is good for everybody. Exploring what gender means to you and how femininity, masculinity, and patriarchy affect all our lives is a positive thing. You can learn a lot about yourself if you think about the ways you learned gender (“Sit like a lady! Boys don’t cry!”). Explore what feels true to you versus what you do only to meet an arbitrary social norm. Everyone can like pretty, sparkly, practical, floral, tough.

Gender role behaviors, gender expression, gender identity, and sexual orientation come in all possible combinations. We understand their differences better than anyone. No, dressing butch and having short hair (gender expression) and liking football (gender role behavior) doesn’t mean she’s “really” a trans man (gender identity) or even that she’s a lesbian (sexual orientation). If your little boy likes nail polish, he might be gay, bi, or trans, but he might not. No one is whisking him off to the Trans Agenda. The only sure thing is that he likes nail polish. Shaming him for this forces him to collapse in on himself. Trans people do not want that for anyone’s kids–we know that collapse all too well.

Trans people transition because of who we are. At the deepest, most fundamental, visceral level of being. We don’t transition to escape gender role behaviors or to become straight. No, girls aren’t jumping on the bandwagon to be boys. No, trans men aren’t just trying to get patriarchal privilege or transition because they hate womanhood. They transition because they are men. I would have stayed living as a woman if I could have, and I mourn the loss of the women’s community I once had (and still prefer the company of cis women over cis men). Trans women lose social power and status and get fired and harassed and harmed—and they still transition. Because they have to.

We don’t have to fit into society’s boxes of manhood and womanhood. No trans person owes you masculine, feminine, or androgynous behavior or expression. Having thrown off the socially-enforced mask of femininity or masculinity, many are not eager to put on another mask. But some do, and that’s okay. I spent decades trying to force myself into the Woman box, and I’ll be damned if I broke free of that box just to shove myself into the Man version. I do my best to be me without adopting the negative aspects of masculinity and patriarchy.

We don’t owe you answers. Everyone has their comfort level regarding how personal they want to be. If you want to ask about our medical care, stop and think first, “Would I want someone asking me a question about my medical history/genitals?” We can decline to answer because boundaries. Your curiosity does not override our privacy. If we want to share or educate, we can, but understand that sharing and educating is emotionally and physically taxing. Your “simple” question may be a heavy lift for us.