Very well said. I have a lovely relationship with a beautiful woman having previously been married to a man. I loved them both.
I have two awesome kids. So many people generalise that trans equals misery. I also have no desire to perform any gender that’s why I transitioned socially and then medically. I wanted, no needed to be me. I’ve not regretted transitioning once I had twinges of worry not being “mum” any more but after 10 years I no longer worry.
I wish I had the ability to write my story as succinctly as you have however it’s not my gift.
Thank you for sharing! I was married to a straight man for 19 years and mom to a teenager when I figured out I’m trans. I’m so much better off without my ex, and my kid switched to calling me Dad. And now I’m happily married to a queer trans man.
Oh I’m so much better without my ex too. He was awful but I did love him all the same people often assume as I’m now in a relationship with a woman that I must have never really loved my ex etc. basically people assume too much!
Being a Black man who happens to be trans is the best thing that ever happened to a guy like me. I’ve had a great time. I’ve been cut off of certain things I would like, but I still wouldn’t trade it for all the tea in China. I am many things beyond being trans and my life doesn’t revolve around being trans.
I had no preconceived notions of why I embraced who I am. I just did. I had to, because I couldn’t stop researching until I stopped fighting. I had no awareness of women who wanted to get away from being women, male privilege, or any of that crap. I barely knew I was a man for the first few months of my transition. It was a gradual awareness. All of it is.
I, too, wish they saw our humanity instead of the garbage thrown out during the campaigns. We’re just like everybody else with some slight similarities & differences. I prefer the company of cis males, but that was a process as well.
I thought I understood. I thought I was being 100% accepting. But when I try to be pleasant, the trans folk I’ve interacted with seem so angry. I feel as if nothing I do is okay. Tell us what you need all of you - many of us want to help, until you don’t need help.
Penny, I’m sifting through a slew of complicated thoughts here. Another trans Substacker, @Dani Chase , has written a book for allies to know what to do and to work through the very questions and concerns you have. https://a.co/d/dJ442GF
I’ve also written a Substack post that lists things allies can do. Schuyler Bailar’s book He/She/They is also a great primer for understanding the issues.
Let me gently offer that it is impossible to totally understand a group you are not a part of, or to be 100% accepting, no matter how much we try. We all hold implicit biases, ingrained into our brains, that take a lot of work to root out and change. For example, I, as a white person, cannot say I carry zero racism—but I can practice antiracism. The first step in practicing antiracism is to accept that I am implicitly racist because I live in a society that favors white people and discriminates against people of other races. So my job is to work to counteract the implicit and explicit biases, to go the extra mile to try to make spaces feel safer and welcoming for people who are not white. I will never understand what it is like to be Black, but I don’t need to to practice antiracism.
I hope you can see the parallel with trans people. No matter how hard cis people try, they will never be able to understand the trans experience fully, and you don’t have to in order to act against transphobia and practice allyship.
Lastly, if we’re angry, it is justified. It is righteous anger that we channel to fight for our rights and for the end of discrimination against us. I see parallels here to the tropes of “the angry Black woman,” “the angry atheist,” and “the angry, man-hating feminist.” Calling these groups angry is the dominant group’s way of downplaying the marginalized group’s needs while centering the dominant group’s own discomfort at being called out. I know it’s uncomfortable at times, but we’re being erased and murdered. We get to be angry.
Thank you for including my workbook in the discussion! It definitely helps people dive deeper into inherent societal bias, understanding, and practice.
and I agree: anger makes sense, as does fear, and hurt, and mistrust. When allies work to understand why we feel that way and give grace more than feeling judgement— they’re being active in allyship.
Very well said. I have a lovely relationship with a beautiful woman having previously been married to a man. I loved them both.
I have two awesome kids. So many people generalise that trans equals misery. I also have no desire to perform any gender that’s why I transitioned socially and then medically. I wanted, no needed to be me. I’ve not regretted transitioning once I had twinges of worry not being “mum” any more but after 10 years I no longer worry.
I wish I had the ability to write my story as succinctly as you have however it’s not my gift.
Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for sharing! I was married to a straight man for 19 years and mom to a teenager when I figured out I’m trans. I’m so much better off without my ex, and my kid switched to calling me Dad. And now I’m happily married to a queer trans man.
Oh I’m so much better without my ex too. He was awful but I did love him all the same people often assume as I’m now in a relationship with a woman that I must have never really loved my ex etc. basically people assume too much!
Excellent information for allies! Thank you.
Thank you so much for these clear explanations. Love and solidarity from a 70year old in west Wales, trying to navigate the world as it is now 🤍
Being a Black man who happens to be trans is the best thing that ever happened to a guy like me. I’ve had a great time. I’ve been cut off of certain things I would like, but I still wouldn’t trade it for all the tea in China. I am many things beyond being trans and my life doesn’t revolve around being trans.
I had no preconceived notions of why I embraced who I am. I just did. I had to, because I couldn’t stop researching until I stopped fighting. I had no awareness of women who wanted to get away from being women, male privilege, or any of that crap. I barely knew I was a man for the first few months of my transition. It was a gradual awareness. All of it is.
I, too, wish they saw our humanity instead of the garbage thrown out during the campaigns. We’re just like everybody else with some slight similarities & differences. I prefer the company of cis males, but that was a process as well.
Well said 😊
👏👏👏
I thought I understood. I thought I was being 100% accepting. But when I try to be pleasant, the trans folk I’ve interacted with seem so angry. I feel as if nothing I do is okay. Tell us what you need all of you - many of us want to help, until you don’t need help.
Penny, I’m sifting through a slew of complicated thoughts here. Another trans Substacker, @Dani Chase , has written a book for allies to know what to do and to work through the very questions and concerns you have. https://a.co/d/dJ442GF
I’ve also written a Substack post that lists things allies can do. Schuyler Bailar’s book He/She/They is also a great primer for understanding the issues.
Let me gently offer that it is impossible to totally understand a group you are not a part of, or to be 100% accepting, no matter how much we try. We all hold implicit biases, ingrained into our brains, that take a lot of work to root out and change. For example, I, as a white person, cannot say I carry zero racism—but I can practice antiracism. The first step in practicing antiracism is to accept that I am implicitly racist because I live in a society that favors white people and discriminates against people of other races. So my job is to work to counteract the implicit and explicit biases, to go the extra mile to try to make spaces feel safer and welcoming for people who are not white. I will never understand what it is like to be Black, but I don’t need to to practice antiracism.
I hope you can see the parallel with trans people. No matter how hard cis people try, they will never be able to understand the trans experience fully, and you don’t have to in order to act against transphobia and practice allyship.
Lastly, if we’re angry, it is justified. It is righteous anger that we channel to fight for our rights and for the end of discrimination against us. I see parallels here to the tropes of “the angry Black woman,” “the angry atheist,” and “the angry, man-hating feminist.” Calling these groups angry is the dominant group’s way of downplaying the marginalized group’s needs while centering the dominant group’s own discomfort at being called out. I know it’s uncomfortable at times, but we’re being erased and murdered. We get to be angry.
Thank you for including my workbook in the discussion! It definitely helps people dive deeper into inherent societal bias, understanding, and practice.
and I agree: anger makes sense, as does fear, and hurt, and mistrust. When allies work to understand why we feel that way and give grace more than feeling judgement— they’re being active in allyship.
When we know better we can do better. 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈